The Excellent Husband
I am not a great woman. I am damaged and scarred by a lifetime of sin. At the age of forty, I became convinced of the kindness of God and began to trust him. I became a Christian. That was over 18 years ago. Nearly 16 years ago, I married Paul.
I entered our marriage determined to be a good wife. I looked to books to teach me how. Based upon my reading and my shallow understanding of the Bible, I worked up a hand-written list of rules I thought a good Christian wife should follow. It sounded oh-so-spiritual, and I was very proud of it! During our engagement I showed my list to Paul, expecting his approval. But he told me to tear it up and throw it away! He didn't want that wife. He didn’t want a blank slate to write on, a lump of clay for him to shape. He wanted me, the real me. Me, wounded, abandoned, prone to depression. Me, the uptight woman far too worried about what others think of me. But Paul saw more in me than just my sin and failings. He saw a friend whose wounds and frailties enabled her to understand and accept him. Most importantly, he saw a heart being shaped and gentled by the grace of God—a heart he could trust with his own heart.
Paul valued everything I brought to the table. He sought out my thoughts and opinions. He saw in me the curiosity and creativity to understand his idiosyncrasies, value his perspectives and interests, delight in his delights, and teach him new things to delight in. From the day he determined to marry me he set about nurturing everything he found beautiful in me, strengthening my weaknesses, and freeing me from my emotional chains. Above all, for 15+ years my husband has encouraged me with the hope of the gospel and demonstrated Christ's love and dedication to me.
Our marriage is not what the books led me to expect. Yet Paul insists that I am an excellent wife! How can that be? Well, I attribute it largely to the example of my excellent husband. Paul is quiet and unassuming, the picture of meekness. But as I look back over our life together it is clear that he has primarily shaped the character of our marriage. How has he done it? By the strength of his character. Good husbanding doesn't begin with a list of rules, it begins with the heart.
An excellent Christian husband is shaped by the gospel. His heart for his wife is aligned with Christ's. He has internalized Christ's teachings that turn relationships upside-down, or, rather, right-side-up from what sin and fallen culture has done to them: "But Jesus called them to him and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many’" (Mt. 20:25-28).
Christianity and Christian marriage require a transformed understanding of authority. In God’s kingdom leaders serve those whom they lead. Servants submit their wills for the good of others. This belief turns our lives upside down. Wives submit to their husbands’ care. Husbands, like Christ, give themselves up for their wives. An excellent husband's goal is not to rule, but to serve. His goal is not to lead, but to love. And in loving, he leads as love requires, with meekness and gentleness. This kind of leadership is powerful, and often imperceptible. I've found that it is often only in retrospect that I notice how Paul has led me.
Paul (the apostle, not my husband) taught that an excellent husband places the same value and regard upon his wife as he does his own life, and gives himself up for her, just as Christ did for the church.
"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body" (Eph. 5:25-30).
The temptation to abuse such tender love can be strong. Hence Paul adds a further admonition lest we wives abuse our husbands’ tender care: "and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Peter likewise warns husbands: "live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Pt 3:7). A godly husband will not use the gentle character of his wife as an opportunity for abuse or scorn.
The excellent husbands I have known hold women in general in high esteem. It is a curse of sin that men have historically, both physically and culturally, wielded their power to subjugate women at every level of society. But we Christians are not called to perpetuate the curse of sin, but to restore what sin has destroyed. A godly man knows that "in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God" (1 Co. 11:11). He sees his wife as a sister in Christ, a fellow-heir of the grace of life (1 Pt. 3:7), and a complete human being created in the image of God (Gen. 1:27), fully capable of serving and pleasing God, married or not (1 Co. 7).
An excellent husband does not see his wife as a shapeless lump to form into whatever he wants or thinks he needs. He sees her as God's handiwork, being beautifully shaped by God to share his joys and pains and to glorify God with him (Gen. 2:18-14). Paul and I are two Christians following the Lord together side-by-side, not single-file, leaning on one another as we go. If I drift off course, Paul firmly directs me back to the narrow road. And, with no intention of leading, I've sometimes done the same for him. This is following Christ as one flesh. This is Christian marriage.
Paul says marriage is like a cup of tea. You start with water and tea. But once you mix them, both are changed forever. I tell Paul that it is only because of him that we have the lovely marriage that we do. He shakes his head in disagreement. Yes, his love is a driving force in our marriage, but we both know that if it weren’t for Christ, I would interpret my husband's gentleness as weakness and despise him for it. Without Christ, I would be a mean, bitter, discontented, dominating shrew. Foolish by nature, I would tear down our home with my own hands (Pr. 14:1). It is only the work of Christ in my heart that causes me to treasure the Christ-like leadership of my husband, just as it is only Christ who makes my husband the kind of man he is. And together our hope and prayer is that as we live and serve Christ as one, He will paint for those around us a small picture of the most excellent Husband and the most excellent marriage of all: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:32).
